Happy Birthday to My Brother

Today is my brother's birthday. I don't even know how old he is. He is older than I am. He has a different mother than I have and I wasn't really raised around him. I don't see him often nor do I get to talk to him often. We live in different states. Despite all this, I love my brother fiercely. We have a special relationship. He reminds me of our father so much. We may not see each other as often as we should but when we do get together, it's pure love. It was the same way my father was when he was alive. Time would pass but then in that moment when you connected it was like you were the only person in the room. Victor does that for me too. He hugs me, looks at me; deep in the eyes like you couldn't tell a lie to him if you tried. He really sees me. I think sometimes when he looks at me he still sees a child, much like my daddy did. I know you, dear reader, must be thinking I am transferring feelings of my father onto my brother, that I am confusing the two. This isn't the case at all. What I see is that my father must be so proud of Victor that he raised a son like him. He must be proud that Victor took those lessons to heart. If he were alive today I know my father would be proud to see the man that Victor is. He's a husband, father, grandfather and brother and he takes each job seriously. I think I am like him too. At least I try to be. Maybe that is why we connect so well. Happy birthday Victor! Your baby sister loves you.

I Fell Off The Writing Wagon

I have been away. I really wish I would have stuck it out. Now I must start this journey all over again. I need to grow. This blog is private, personal and completely 100% me. It frightens me that maybe I'm not going to like what I find once I peel back all of my layers. I'm catching glimpses of that now.

Something I have discovered about myself recently is the fact that I have a need to please people and I have a need to be liked. One of the horrid people in this small gossip-y town started telling people that deep down I'm truly evil. Her opinion of me doesn't bother me. I have really been honest with myself concerning that but when she tells other people, I do worry that some people may believe her. Then I get angry at myself for even caring that people who know me and still believed it were worthy of my time because they are not. Why do I need people to like me? I don't think I want to be popular, just one of those people that aren't hated by anyone. Maybe to be a person like that, first I must not hate anyone myself. What is that saying about never meeting a man he never liked? I think that is where I must begin.

Tonight at a meeting, a person who I have been friendly with in the past was very cold to me. She seemed uncomfortable and angry that I sat at her table. She was a little rude too. All I could think was "does she believe the rumor?!" and I wanted to cry. Yes, these bitchy gossip-y women brought me to tears tonight and I let them. I'm so tired. I'm tired of the cattiness. I'm tired of the Facebook wars. I'm tired of pretending that all these months of attacking me hasn't taken it's toll. I want to give in and just move away. It is obvious I do not fit in. I'll never be what everyone expects me to be. I was so happy being me until so many people in this town pointed out that the current me is severely lacking.

I'm sad. I want to feel confident again. I thought I made huge progress this weekend by growing in Christ and my faith but today has set me back. I cannot trust anyone in this town. Except for my dear lone friend H. She is constant.

Bully the Movie

I saw a trailer for the documentary Bully. Personally, I do not think I will be able watch this film. It will upset me too much. My son has been a target of bullying. His school was very responsive to my complaints but it is a terrible thing to see so many parents who have not had responsible schools. I find it odd that all of this happened in MIDDLE SCHOOL and the rating system says its too graphic for anything less than an R rating. Hmmm...just what are our children experiencing at school? It breaks my heart. And there are those parents that just think their child would never do anything wrong. I pray that I would never be that blind. My children are not perfect but I'll be damned if they are bullies, getting their self-esteem by harming others. I say if you aren't one those people who cry at the drop of the hat like me, take your child to see this movie. Show them no good can come from bullying another and if they are bullied let them see that there is help.

The Whole Trayvon Martin Mess

I am so appalled at the media right now. They have created a big mess with publishing half-truths and incomplete facts. I saw a poll that said 75% of America believed Zimmerman should be arrested. The New Black Panthers have even taken out a bounty on him. They are giving $10,000 towards his "capture" even though there is no arrest warrant for him yet. The is a modern day lynching all being arranged in the media. They are judging this man through television and Internet and now it seems the black panthers are the hired executioners. I blame Obama somewhat for his "Trayvon looks like he could be my son" remark. This comment alone made it about race. What a freakin irresponsible thing to say! And he is doing nothing to calm the waters since.

Here is my take on it so far as I am more inclined to WAIT for all the facts. However just from some of the 911 calls and such I have shaped some opinion without pointing fingers. The kid was in a gated community that didn't know him. He was wearing clothes that are intimidating to older people. He was unarmed. He had a right to be in that gated community. Zimmerman called 911 to report Trayvon. He should NOT have followed him. He backed off once the dispatcher told him not to do that. He then claimed Trayvon was coming to say something to him. He was approached and at that point we don't know what happened. The screaming for help could be either Zimmerman or Martin. Until forensics says otherwise I withhold judgement. Should Zimmerman have been carrying a gun. No, but it is his right as an American. Should he have followed the kid? No, this was a huge mistake. If Trayvon really did have him on the ground punching Zimmerman's nose and slamming his head was Zimmerman ok with using his gun? Yes, because if someone was hurting me and I had a gun I know I'd use it. HOWEVER, I do not think this kids deserved to die just because someone got over zealous with the neighborhood watch. Do I think Zimmerman deserves to die for his actions? NO NO NO NO!!! He did not kill with premeditation. He was stupid and too eager to be the "police" but I do not think he killed out of malice. It was an unfortunate accident is what I think but again I reserve judgement until ALL the facts come in. It is a damn shame our own president couldn't do the same. Now he has incited a terrorist group to exact revenge. Way to go America! We just regressed about 80 years.

Human Cruelty

I haven't written in a while and it figures that it's some heart-wrenching feeling that gets me motivated but I could no longer stay silent. I do not understand the cruelty that humans are capable of committing. How can so many people on this planet have such a deep disregard for life? Sometimes, I understand the cruel behaviors that occur during war. Fear and hatred under intense circumstances can really bring out the worst in people. Not that I condone the cruelty but it's easier for me to understand the "kill or be killed" attitude during wartime than just random acts of cruelty. I especially have a hard time seeing it in America where even the poorest of the poor often have it better than some in other nations. Oh you can be sure that cruelty has no class bias nor is reserved solely for certain races. You just have to read the news and see how every race, religion, color and creed has some that are purely despicable.

Right now I am particularly upset about cruelty to animals and children like they have no purpose on this planet. Many children are being horribly abused, hurt, TORTURED and then tossed out like yesterday's trash. How can anyone be so unfeeling? Leaving animals in dumpsters, abusing them for sport and drowning them in rivers. I am so angry! And heart broken that I cannot save them all. I just pray that God welcomes each and everyone of these poor creatures with open arms and ends their suffering. I think I will stay away from the news again. My heart cannot take it. To see animals flinch at an outstretched human hand brings tears to my eyes. To see an emmaciated child begging for trash to eat while his family is FAT makes me cry too. We as humans have totally scorned God's precious gift of life and the earth. I'm so heartbroken and unsure of what to do.

Sharpening My Claws

I am letting my inner bitch out tonight. I usually try to do the right thing and I'll probably have some guilt then repentance after I write this post but I just need to lash out. My feelings get hurt when acquaintances believe shit being said about me or my family. I put on a brave face this week when I found out about my husband's character being slandered but deep down (I pushed it down far) I was mad at the continued assault. WE DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOU OR YOUR BUSINESS ANY LONGER. There is no need to try to bury us. We have left you alone so please do us the courtesy. However, because you have repeatedly tried to bring harm our way karma is paying you back. And do you know something? I have no sympathy for you. I am glad you are losing money like water seeping through your fist. I am glad people no longer trust you. I am glad that town elders see your true colors. And I am really glad you are no longer revered. You are not Gods. You are not owed anything by the townspeople. You are no better than the rest of the city. Why you elevated yourself in the first place is beyond me. Money doesn't buy respect. And in your case it certainly didn't buy class either. Some of you are so snooty. I know you think that even if you don't have as much money you have your "good name" but the poison you spread has tainted that too. So here is a warning: stop the war. I'm calling a cease fire. Every bit of strife you try to cause will come back to you like its doing now. The only fighting back you will ever see me do is on this blog. I have to remain neutral and let people believe what they choose. Time will expose the truth. I think that is what you fear most of all, isn't it?

Walk a Mile in Their Shoes

I have been guilty of judging others, bringing my own perceptions and standards to certain situations. I have been blessed with a cheery disposition (for the most part) and often I do not let "things" bother me to the degree it does others. I know some people must have dispositions that swing the other way and that is terribly sad to me. However, I do not consider disposition sometimes when people complain to me about their crappy life. I like to make the most of what I have. Why can't others do the same? Well honestly some do not have the physical ability to do that. When I put myself in their shoes I have to remember to put myself in their mind too. I want to be supportive, even if the mess they are in is a product of their own making. Really, how many messes are not our own fault? Not many. And sometimes if we are going through something that is completely out of our control we do something to make it worse. We have all been there. I know I have. I need to not hold the world to my standards. I am not God. I am not the ethics police. People's priorities vary. Some don't consider family too important. Some don't consider work to be important. Some feel money is the most important. Until I walk a mile in their shoes, I need to not scorn such people.