Happy Birthday to My Brother

Today is my brother's birthday. I don't even know how old he is. He is older than I am. He has a different mother than I have and I wasn't really raised around him. I don't see him often nor do I get to talk to him often. We live in different states. Despite all this, I love my brother fiercely. We have a special relationship. He reminds me of our father so much. We may not see each other as often as we should but when we do get together, it's pure love. It was the same way my father was when he was alive. Time would pass but then in that moment when you connected it was like you were the only person in the room. Victor does that for me too. He hugs me, looks at me; deep in the eyes like you couldn't tell a lie to him if you tried. He really sees me. I think sometimes when he looks at me he still sees a child, much like my daddy did. I know you, dear reader, must be thinking I am transferring feelings of my father onto my brother, that I am confusing the two. This isn't the case at all. What I see is that my father must be so proud of Victor that he raised a son like him. He must be proud that Victor took those lessons to heart. If he were alive today I know my father would be proud to see the man that Victor is. He's a husband, father, grandfather and brother and he takes each job seriously. I think I am like him too. At least I try to be. Maybe that is why we connect so well. Happy birthday Victor! Your baby sister loves you.

I Fell Off The Writing Wagon

I have been away. I really wish I would have stuck it out. Now I must start this journey all over again. I need to grow. This blog is private, personal and completely 100% me. It frightens me that maybe I'm not going to like what I find once I peel back all of my layers. I'm catching glimpses of that now.

Something I have discovered about myself recently is the fact that I have a need to please people and I have a need to be liked. One of the horrid people in this small gossip-y town started telling people that deep down I'm truly evil. Her opinion of me doesn't bother me. I have really been honest with myself concerning that but when she tells other people, I do worry that some people may believe her. Then I get angry at myself for even caring that people who know me and still believed it were worthy of my time because they are not. Why do I need people to like me? I don't think I want to be popular, just one of those people that aren't hated by anyone. Maybe to be a person like that, first I must not hate anyone myself. What is that saying about never meeting a man he never liked? I think that is where I must begin.

Tonight at a meeting, a person who I have been friendly with in the past was very cold to me. She seemed uncomfortable and angry that I sat at her table. She was a little rude too. All I could think was "does she believe the rumor?!" and I wanted to cry. Yes, these bitchy gossip-y women brought me to tears tonight and I let them. I'm so tired. I'm tired of the cattiness. I'm tired of the Facebook wars. I'm tired of pretending that all these months of attacking me hasn't taken it's toll. I want to give in and just move away. It is obvious I do not fit in. I'll never be what everyone expects me to be. I was so happy being me until so many people in this town pointed out that the current me is severely lacking.

I'm sad. I want to feel confident again. I thought I made huge progress this weekend by growing in Christ and my faith but today has set me back. I cannot trust anyone in this town. Except for my dear lone friend H. She is constant.

Bully the Movie

I saw a trailer for the documentary Bully. Personally, I do not think I will be able watch this film. It will upset me too much. My son has been a target of bullying. His school was very responsive to my complaints but it is a terrible thing to see so many parents who have not had responsible schools. I find it odd that all of this happened in MIDDLE SCHOOL and the rating system says its too graphic for anything less than an R rating. Hmmm...just what are our children experiencing at school? It breaks my heart. And there are those parents that just think their child would never do anything wrong. I pray that I would never be that blind. My children are not perfect but I'll be damned if they are bullies, getting their self-esteem by harming others. I say if you aren't one those people who cry at the drop of the hat like me, take your child to see this movie. Show them no good can come from bullying another and if they are bullied let them see that there is help.

The Whole Trayvon Martin Mess

I am so appalled at the media right now. They have created a big mess with publishing half-truths and incomplete facts. I saw a poll that said 75% of America believed Zimmerman should be arrested. The New Black Panthers have even taken out a bounty on him. They are giving $10,000 towards his "capture" even though there is no arrest warrant for him yet. The is a modern day lynching all being arranged in the media. They are judging this man through television and Internet and now it seems the black panthers are the hired executioners. I blame Obama somewhat for his "Trayvon looks like he could be my son" remark. This comment alone made it about race. What a freakin irresponsible thing to say! And he is doing nothing to calm the waters since.

Here is my take on it so far as I am more inclined to WAIT for all the facts. However just from some of the 911 calls and such I have shaped some opinion without pointing fingers. The kid was in a gated community that didn't know him. He was wearing clothes that are intimidating to older people. He was unarmed. He had a right to be in that gated community. Zimmerman called 911 to report Trayvon. He should NOT have followed him. He backed off once the dispatcher told him not to do that. He then claimed Trayvon was coming to say something to him. He was approached and at that point we don't know what happened. The screaming for help could be either Zimmerman or Martin. Until forensics says otherwise I withhold judgement. Should Zimmerman have been carrying a gun. No, but it is his right as an American. Should he have followed the kid? No, this was a huge mistake. If Trayvon really did have him on the ground punching Zimmerman's nose and slamming his head was Zimmerman ok with using his gun? Yes, because if someone was hurting me and I had a gun I know I'd use it. HOWEVER, I do not think this kids deserved to die just because someone got over zealous with the neighborhood watch. Do I think Zimmerman deserves to die for his actions? NO NO NO NO!!! He did not kill with premeditation. He was stupid and too eager to be the "police" but I do not think he killed out of malice. It was an unfortunate accident is what I think but again I reserve judgement until ALL the facts come in. It is a damn shame our own president couldn't do the same. Now he has incited a terrorist group to exact revenge. Way to go America! We just regressed about 80 years.

Human Cruelty

I haven't written in a while and it figures that it's some heart-wrenching feeling that gets me motivated but I could no longer stay silent. I do not understand the cruelty that humans are capable of committing. How can so many people on this planet have such a deep disregard for life? Sometimes, I understand the cruel behaviors that occur during war. Fear and hatred under intense circumstances can really bring out the worst in people. Not that I condone the cruelty but it's easier for me to understand the "kill or be killed" attitude during wartime than just random acts of cruelty. I especially have a hard time seeing it in America where even the poorest of the poor often have it better than some in other nations. Oh you can be sure that cruelty has no class bias nor is reserved solely for certain races. You just have to read the news and see how every race, religion, color and creed has some that are purely despicable.

Right now I am particularly upset about cruelty to animals and children like they have no purpose on this planet. Many children are being horribly abused, hurt, TORTURED and then tossed out like yesterday's trash. How can anyone be so unfeeling? Leaving animals in dumpsters, abusing them for sport and drowning them in rivers. I am so angry! And heart broken that I cannot save them all. I just pray that God welcomes each and everyone of these poor creatures with open arms and ends their suffering. I think I will stay away from the news again. My heart cannot take it. To see animals flinch at an outstretched human hand brings tears to my eyes. To see an emmaciated child begging for trash to eat while his family is FAT makes me cry too. We as humans have totally scorned God's precious gift of life and the earth. I'm so heartbroken and unsure of what to do.

Sharpening My Claws

I am letting my inner bitch out tonight. I usually try to do the right thing and I'll probably have some guilt then repentance after I write this post but I just need to lash out. My feelings get hurt when acquaintances believe shit being said about me or my family. I put on a brave face this week when I found out about my husband's character being slandered but deep down (I pushed it down far) I was mad at the continued assault. WE DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOU OR YOUR BUSINESS ANY LONGER. There is no need to try to bury us. We have left you alone so please do us the courtesy. However, because you have repeatedly tried to bring harm our way karma is paying you back. And do you know something? I have no sympathy for you. I am glad you are losing money like water seeping through your fist. I am glad people no longer trust you. I am glad that town elders see your true colors. And I am really glad you are no longer revered. You are not Gods. You are not owed anything by the townspeople. You are no better than the rest of the city. Why you elevated yourself in the first place is beyond me. Money doesn't buy respect. And in your case it certainly didn't buy class either. Some of you are so snooty. I know you think that even if you don't have as much money you have your "good name" but the poison you spread has tainted that too. So here is a warning: stop the war. I'm calling a cease fire. Every bit of strife you try to cause will come back to you like its doing now. The only fighting back you will ever see me do is on this blog. I have to remain neutral and let people believe what they choose. Time will expose the truth. I think that is what you fear most of all, isn't it?

Walk a Mile in Their Shoes

I have been guilty of judging others, bringing my own perceptions and standards to certain situations. I have been blessed with a cheery disposition (for the most part) and often I do not let "things" bother me to the degree it does others. I know some people must have dispositions that swing the other way and that is terribly sad to me. However, I do not consider disposition sometimes when people complain to me about their crappy life. I like to make the most of what I have. Why can't others do the same? Well honestly some do not have the physical ability to do that. When I put myself in their shoes I have to remember to put myself in their mind too. I want to be supportive, even if the mess they are in is a product of their own making. Really, how many messes are not our own fault? Not many. And sometimes if we are going through something that is completely out of our control we do something to make it worse. We have all been there. I know I have. I need to not hold the world to my standards. I am not God. I am not the ethics police. People's priorities vary. Some don't consider family too important. Some don't consider work to be important. Some feel money is the most important. Until I walk a mile in their shoes, I need to not scorn such people.

Sowing Good to Reap Good

When my husband first left his job to open his own business, we had this outpouring of support. So many people in town said he was doing the right thing, it was about time he got on his own, it's better this way, etc. However, in a small town people want to make up a story if there is no story. Those people who thrive on conflict and gossip are having their moment right now. My husband is getting character assassinated by his old office. Numerous clients tell him how terrible the previous office speaks of him. The old office question his skills, call him incompetent and even told one person they should say a prayer if they chose to use him. In December remarks like that irritated me. No, remarks like that pissed me off, but now I actually laugh. It means they are getting that desperate to say such obviously mean things. Some people have started to whisper around me but those were the few that I wasn't sure if they were truly friends or not. Now I know. I refuse to get back into a war of words. I do not want to say horrible mean things. I want to take the higher road. If you plant good stuff, you'll grow good stuff. I am planning on harvesting a whole crop of good. So what I say to the ex-office: go ahead and try to close us down with hateful words. If you sow hate, you'll reap hate. Enjoy your crops!

Whiteness Studies?!

This is the best response to CNN's story about whiteness studies:


DBSaint
No wonder we can't compete on a global scale. While Asian kids are learning math and science American colleges are focusing on "Why it's not really your fault" and "Who else can we blame"

Well said DBSaint, well said. People encourage your children to study the hard sciences for a change.

I Hate Politics

It is an election year here in the good old US of A and I'm miserable with the news coverage, water cooler conversations and radio blabber. I consider myself primarily a fiscal conservative and a social liberal. I absolutely think Republicans can handle money and business better than democrats. I also think they are better with our military. I just wish they would get off of their high horse when it comes to gay marriage and abortion. I am a registered Republican. It works for me. Lately I have been drawn to people like Ron Paul who say things like "government is too big" because I absolutely feel that. They need to back the heck off of America and certainly quit making so many damn federal laws. Let the states have some say. But Ron Paul is a racist and I couldn't vote for someone like that. Maybe his son Rand but who knows. All I know is that I think Obama is a terrible president. He has done more to divide this nation than any other president in my lifetime. What a shame. He is so delusional as to what constitutes "rich". So in the meantime, I have to hear all about the bozos gunning for his job until we get to the last man standing. Then more politics until election day. It sucks majorly. It doesn't actually matter to me who sits in the white house. As long as that fiasco Obamacare gets repealed, I will consider it a step in the right direction. He has put in the minds of America that somehow rich people don't pay their fair share in taxes. I don't make over a million dollars a year but well over the $200,000 mark and we pay nearly 40% in taxes. How is that not our fair share? I really really hate politics.

Small Town Gossip

I have lived in a small town for some time now and you would think I would know how gossip works. You would think I would not let it bother me. You would think I would know how to effectively shut it up at the source. I did not do any of that today. I let it bother me and I questioned "how did this rumor get started?!" Why did I let it affect me? My poor mother was the target today. The rumor was my mother was saying my husband's ex-partner was incompetent. Uh no. My mom would never say that. My mom knows we don't even talk about that horrid man in a negative fashion in public. And furthermore, any negative talk we have uttered amongst ourselves (and this blog hahaha) have NOTHING to do with his skills. I say he cooked the books. I say he diverted clients away from my husband. I say he approached a huge business prospect and urged that business to not use my husband for their services. He tried to bankrupt my husband before my husband had a chance to get started. Of course it didn't work. But to use the word "horrible" in regards to his skills? Never. My mom wouldn't say that. However, now it's her name tied to it. And she is visibly upset by this. I wish I could help her through it. Someone she trusts has said something to someone else who said something to someone else and so on until it got back to my husband all distorted. I think if it were about me I wouldn't care. My conscience is clean. I just hate my mom being blamed. I think that is what I'll tell her. "Don't let it bother you. Just keep smiling and people will make up shit just to be shit stirrers. They get joy from that." It is a hard lesson when it comes to small town gossip. I knew I didn't believe it for a reason.

Buying Designer Crap

I am going out of town today to go to our nearest big city that has a mall. I have a few hundred dollars extra and I want to buy a purse. I am sitting here wondering why I feel the need to spend hundreds of dollars on a purse. Why isn't the knock-off version good enough? I can go to JC Penney and get a decent, utility purse for $50 but I am driving 125 miles to go to Saks. I don't understand myself right now. I do not care about designer clothes. I buy whatever looks good and refuse to pay more than $50 for a pair of jeans. I spend a little more for shoes but only on the kind that are meant for frequent wear. One has to protect their feet! But you do not see silly designer heels in my closet. I have a friend with several pair that cost $900 or more. Lame. So why am I going to get this leather purse I've been wanting? I don't buy Prada, Coach or Michael Kors as that is what everyone is buying these days. They look like sheep carrying around huge bags with the letter "C" all over them to show the world: "hey look at me! I've got a designer bag!" My tastes are a little more classic yet quirky. I like smaller bags, no huge labels and fabric is ok with me but I like leather too. My favorite purse I would never buy because it's just too costly. I love Hermes. So timeless. So classic. So clean and crisp lines. But I could feed a family of four for a year with a purchase like that. Drooling over purses like this isn't helping me with my guilt for being frivolous today. Oh well. I guess everyone has their vices.

True Friends

It has been hard for me to discern between real vs. fake friends in this small town. Some people just want to be my friend because of my husband and some hate me because of the same reason! I try to weed out the users and posers but they can be tricky. There is nothing worse than someone telling me "hey I love you girl!" just to stab me in the back the first chance they get. Luckily I am not the type of person that gossips too much, nor to I say negative things to others. I try to be the encourager of a group. I build people up because in my past I have torn someone down with my tongue and I felt horrible about it. It made me feel unworthy to live because I was so vile. You know how girls get together and start being catty about another girl that isn't there? Yep I did that and the other girl found out and cried. So NEVER again. I don't say anything about a person that I would not say to their face. It's really the only way to be if you want to sleep with a clear conscience. So when these so-called friends of mine try to bury me with their catty remarks I just write them off. My true friends side of my friends list is rather skimpy but the ones on that list are so strong and worth my time. They make me a better person. They let me vent without judging me for my uncharitable thoughts. And they laugh with me. We laugh and cry and hug and build each other up. A true friend is someone who makes you a better person just by knowing them. That works both ways. If you want to be a good friend to them, help to bring out the best in them. I love my true friends.

Life Can Change in a Flash

Tonight my husband fell. He isn't a senior citizen or anything but he isn't a spring chicken either. He busted his face open and my oldest son was a little panicked at seeing blood on his dad. You would think that a girl who had her house burn down from lightning would be used to scary events but it got me thinking that I have been taking life for granted again. My husband is fine. No harm no foul but life is very fragile. One fall backwards could have caused an internal head bleed. That would suck. I don't think people need to focus on "what ifs" or doomsday theories. I just think that people need to celebrate life more. I know today I was in a bad mood and directed a lot of it toward my husband. He irritated me and I let it cloud this beautiful gift of life. God gave me today and I wasted most of it griping about my husband not filling out some paperwork. Well if I am granted another day I will keep in mind just how precious it is.

God Loves Loyalty

I read the verse of the day and it was talking about how Ruth was loyal to her mother-in-law even after her husband died. It was an act of pure loyalty and selflessness. I like that. I am a fiercely loyal person. Almost to the point of fault. I trust so willingly but once that trust is truly broken its very hard to get it back. I wonder if God is like that. I have met many people in my life that I grant my loyalty to without hesitation. I trust them and even when there happens to be an act of betrayal I often give another chance. I give lots of chances! People make mistakes and I don't see the point of writing them off instantly when something goes wrong in a relationship. Sometimes they don't even mean to be disloyal. You have to do a lot to turn me away from you once I have allowed you in my heart. Unfortunately I have had to kick people out of my life. It kind of goes against my nature but sometimes survival depends on it. And sometimes it is the survival of others that I have to consider like when someone hurts my family. I realized a few weeks ago that I was over the whole business fiasco. I am just tired of talking about the treachery my husband encountered and honestly the start of his new business has been better for everyone involved. He is successful and his income has soared, which ironically exposes just how much he was being cheated. However, I hold no bitterness anymore. I also hold no loyalty to them either. This is foreign to me but necessary for survival. Where did all that loyalty go? Will God be disappointed? I don't think so. I am being loyal to the man He chose for me as my husband. I am being loyal to my children who have a home and provisions because of the dissolved business agreement. I am being loyal to the employees that now work for my husband and loyal to their children that we cover on insurance. I know somewhere I am blowing it but hopefully God will forgive me and see into my heart that I truly didn't mean any harm. I don't wish them to go out of business. I no longer wish them financial problems nor do I wish anyone would lose their job. Sometimes lying in the bed you made is lesson enough. My lesson is that I have to live with the fact that I am no longer loyal to people I trusted with my life for two years. My lesson is that I gave my loyalty too quick without investigation or prayer. I will have to live with that. They will have their own lessons that do not concern me.

What Does Sexy Mean?

I have a friend who told me that she felt confidence was sexy. When someone is confident about theirself then she finds that very attractive. I could see her point because she was trying to impart high self-esteem to the women around her. Women need to be happy with their assets and not focus on the down points. When a women is always trying to cover-up flaws instead of embracing uniqueness then they are less attractive to those around them. I really do understand that. No one likes a worry-wart girlfriend. However, too much confidence can be a total turn-off. Especially in men. There are so many double standards that I really don't want to go in to but when a woman is overly confident she is just bitchy or a diva. When a man is over-confident he is an arrogant prick. I think women have it easier in this realm because men who are too confident are shunned while women are respected for their confidence most of the time. I tend to find underdogs so very sexy. I like nerdy men. If you take a poll most American women would say Brad Pitt and George Clooney are sexy. They are confident men. I like guys with quirks. My hot Hollywood men are guys like Paul Rudd and AJ Buckley, geeky but sweet and FUNNY. Even Ryan Reynolds in his awkward roles. I find humor sexiest of all. Never mind a guy with swagger, give me someone that can tell a joke and I'm a goner every time.

Sick

I hate being sick. I especially hate eing sick with a sore throat. My all time worst illness goes like this: 1) not being able to breathe 2) vomiting and 3) sore throat. I can usually suck it up when I lose my voice, feel achy, feel tired or even feverish. However, if I can't breathe out one or more nostrils, puke or have a raw feeling throat I am miserable. So right now this sore throat has me whining like big baby. I knew something was up when I started etting blisters on my tongue. I should have gone in to the doctor right away. I hate being sick. Life is too short and fun to be held back by illness. Oh well, at least I can breathe out of my nose and I'm not vomiting. Someone would have really needed to call the wambulance then.

Feeling Powerful in Anonymity

I feel like I can really let myself go on this blog. I can be completely honest. I don't have to worry about offending anyone. I don't have to worry about people finding it and snooping like I would with a conventional journal hidden under a mattress. I don't name names though, just in case I do get found out. The world is big but at times can be very small. It's amazing the dirt people can dig up when actually searching for it.

So today was a great day. My dear friend H and I went to lunch and got up with each others lives. She makes me laugh and never judges me. She is a TRUE friend. I love her dearly. She is quirky and spontaneous and thinks some of these people in this town are just plain psychotic. A woman after my own heart. Hahaha it really was a great day.

I'm Selfish

My brother-in-law is dying. He has a terminal cancer that a miracle drug has kept him alive 4 1/2 years longer than expected. However, after his visit this past holiday season I truly believe he is not long for this world. He looks thin, tired and unhappy. He has two young daughters aged 5 & 10 that are so adorable but both are real handfuls. I love spoiling them and spending time with them but on a limited basis. My kids are all teens or above. I no longer need to find a babysitter for outings. I sleep as late as I want without interruption. No one pees the bed. No one spills crap on the carpet and the furniture doesn't get ruined. No one lies and everyone does their homework without prompting. I don't even have to go to school plays anymore, just one award ceremony at the end of the year. My sister-in-law is 50 years old with such young kids and I don't understand how she does it. Well she does complain a lot and she makes her husband feel guilty about getting sick. I think he's partially lost his will to live because of her nagging and complaining about finances and his lack of being a helpful spouse. He's sick but that doesn't stop her.

Anyway, I do like my sister-in-law just not the way she is behaving right now. This has become an issue for me. We have money, they don't. I do not mind helping one bit. I will not give to the point of hurting my family for the sake of hers but I do give the girls the extras they are lacking. I think lately though she sees us as easy money. She tried to get my husband to hire hers as his accountant. He can't function at that level right now yet she is so money hungry she wants him to work. She is not used to being poor but this illness took everything from them and I sense her resentment. I feel bad theynlost everything. I really do and sympathize completely but I just feel that no matter how bad things are financially she should be focused on PEOPLE not money. She whines if any family member spends money on designer items or expensive trips while her girls don't get to go on field trips because it cost too much. We give them money and it's gone really fast. I don't mind helping but completely supporting is a whole other issue! This makes me feel selfish.

Another reason is that my husband wants his brother closer. He would be willing to pay for an apartment for them so they can live closer but I really don't want that. The selfish reason is that I'm sure my sister-in-law is the type that would dump the kids at my house as often as she could. She would claim that the girls just want to spend time with us. We have another family member that is very wealthy and my sister-in-law flat out admitted she hoped that they would just write them a check. She only thinks about money! So I get defensive and don't want them too close because I feel like she would sap the life out of me. I can't handle young kids anymore. My husband wants a house full of them. He makes me feel selfish because I don't want to be bothered taking care of little kids anymore. He just comes home and hugs them for 20 minutes then goes to bed or back to work. I don't think even he realized just how little time he spent with the girls this time around. Anyway, I'm trying to be more open about this. I think about how would I feel if my situation were reversed. I have had nothing though. We seriously were in massive debt with terrible credit. Our car (we couldn't afford two) was constantly getting fixed and our kids got Christmas presents from strangers who gave to "adopted" us because we were so poor. The thing I remember most about that time:we were HAPPY! We were close and yes, financially we struggled but we made the most from popping in a video we had seen a thousand times and munching on popcorn together as a family. We didn't care about presents and items too much. Occasionally we would get a windfall and splurge but nothing could tear us apart.

I may act selfish about this all but it's just we have come so far. No one was there for us when we were struggling so why is it that everyone wants a piece of us now that we are on top of the world? They think we have no right to be as well off as we are even though we worked HARD for everything. I worked hard to have my peace and freedom. It's my turn to travel, volunteer and work when I want. I still work hard but not a typical 40 hour a week job. I don't mind helping, I just can't do it all.

My Dark Side

Everyone thinks I'm sweet. I even got voted "sweetest personality" when I was in high school. I don't feel that nice. Sometimes, people make me really angry. Sometimes I want to claw their eyes out. I'm not a bad person but I'm a real person who knows that she has a dark side that the rest of the world is not privy to see. I have a lot of anger these days. We have had tragedy strike and lying cheating business partners exposed. I'm most angry about the business stuff. Natural disasters aren't really preventable. Being a complete douchebag is preventable as is not being a sucker. So the EX business partner failed to stop being a douchebag and we failed at not being a sucker. I'm most angry about being suckered. How could I be so damn trusting? Why do I feel the need to trust everyone I meet and think they are honest people who have no evil thoughts in their brain? It's a character flaw. Maybe. I am not sure. I know I hate being around people who have nothing positive to say and who think the world is out to get them. I can't live like that. When I trust a person who turns out to be worthy of that trust, it's so rewarding. I have wonderful relationships. Strong relationships. Deep relationships. But when I trust someone who doesn't deserve it, it really hurts. It sucks! I hate that I give like a thousand chances too! I think to myself, "oh maybe they just had a bad day" or "maybe I just heard wrong". My worst one over this latest episode: maybe he really needs the money more than we do to be desperate enough to cook the books. I'm such an idiot.

So now I sit here with my dark side emerging wanting to squash this jerk into the ground. I want his business to fail. I want his reputation to suffer. I want the entire world to know this guy is greedy and was using us to get rich(er). But what would that prove or what good would it even do? There is a saying about success being the best revenge. I guess that will have to do. As I write this and vent, I feel my stupid sweet side trying to smoothe the waters. I don't really want to see this guy destroyed, just wounded. I can't even hold a proper rage! What is wrong with me? I really do have a dark side. It's just not cooperating with me right at this moment. So I'll just it end it with this: JR, you lied and you let those who represent you treat us like crap. It will take me a long time to forgive you; a very long time. And D, I really am tired of your fake self. Don't smile at me and act like you're my best friend when I know you long to plunge that knife into my back.

My dark side is a wimp.